Ep 19: On Our Best Behavior

As we continue our exploration of the Discipleship Dilemma, let's talk about our behavior.

What can our behaviors tell us about the ideas and desires in our hearts? As we seek to become mature disciples of Jesus, we seek to understand why we behave the way we do – and that includes more than spiritual behaviors that score us points with other Christians.  

As we explore, we discover that one of the best examples of spiritual formation today isn't actually from the kingdom of light, though we can learn some lessons from it.

TRANSCRIPTION

Our Behaviors as Spiritual Indicators

Intro: Welcome to the Soil and Roots podcast: digging beneath the surface to uncover the hidden ideas that form us, the church, and the culture. I’m Brian Fisher

This is Episode 19: On Our Best Behavior

The Soil and Roots community continues to grow, and it’s because of you!  Thanks for sharing the podcast, the website, and information about Greenhouses.  If you have a moment, please give the podcast a great rating on whatever platform you use.  It helps get the word out about our collective journey into deep discipleship. 

As a reminder, when you refer the podcast to your friends and family, recommend they start with Episode 1. The Soil and Roots podcast is a guided journey into the richer stages of discipleship, and newer episodes build on older ones.

Season 1 introduces the “Great Omission,” deep discipleship, and the concept of unconscious ideas that power and govern our hearts.  We’re in Season 2, an exploration of one of our primary blockers to deep discipleship: the Discipleship Dilemma. 

If someone starts listening to the podcast with, say, this episode, they may get a little lost in our concepts and terminology.   So, keep on inviting people to the community, and just suggest they start at the beginning and work at their own pace.  No rush. We’ll still be here. 

Bad Bunnies

I’ve observed that bunny rabbits are not the smartest animals. 

Most mornings I get up early and I take a long brisk walk through my neighborhood. 

At that hour, I run across quite a few animals.  Rabbits, squirrels, pet cats, birds, and occasionally a fox. Once or twice, I’ve seen a bobcat, though I don’t stick around to get a good look. 

Squirrels aren’t the brightest animals on the farm either, but when a squirrel sees me coming, he’ll normally dart away and climb up a tree. And then he’ll peek around the tree trunk to see whether I’m a threat.

But rabbits are even lower on the IQ scale.  I have a fairly heavy step, so you can hear me coming down the sidewalk.  But these rabbits will wait until the last possible moment until I’m just a few feet away, and then they suddenly act like I’ve materialized out of thin air, freak out, and then dart back and forth with incredible indecision. 

Half the time, they dart into the street, where two-thousand-pound cars are leaving the neighborhood to get to work or school.  Or they’ll scamper towards me and then realize that’s a bad idea, turn around, and dart down the sidewalk…in the direction I’m walking.  And then they panic when they can’t shake me. 

Then there are the bunnies who just become paralyzed.  They sit where they are and pretend that they’re invisible.  No offense to the bunnies, but your grey or brown fur doesn’t hide you from green grass or the white sidewalk.  You’re not a chameleon, you’re a bunny. Sitting still amid potential danger doesn’t seem to be the best defense against predators. 

Rabbit behavior can be perplexing.  It’s erratic, unpredictable, and potentially harmful to themselves.  I don’t really get it.  But as with other things in nature, we humans may be able to learn a thing or two from a bunny’s behavior. 

Heartview Indicator #4: Behavior

And that’s today’s topic. Our behavior.

We’re well into our exploration of the Discipleship Dilemma, a primary problem when it comes to our lifelong journey to become more like Jesus. Since the point of discipleship is to apprentice with Jesus so that we become more like Him, it’s essential that we learn to discern what’s going on down in our hearts.  It’s this age-old concept of “double knowledge.” Our character formation depends on our knowing Jesus’ heart and our own hearts really well.  We continue to learn His story while also exploring our own stories. 

But modern Christianity isn’t all that keen on the concept of “double knowledge,” thus our dilemma. 

However, we’re helping to solve this dilemma here at Soil and Roots, and we’ve dug up a way to practice discerning our own hearts. We call it Heartview, how we come to understand the often-hidden ideas and desires in our hearts by exploring Eight Indicators we all share: thoughts, emotions, health, behaviors, relationships, words, time, and money. 

When we intentionally explore these indicators with God and trusted friends, we’re often able to uncover what our hearts love – what we truly desire.

If we don’t uncover the ideas and desires that drive us, we’ll go about our lives on the surface, struggling with our discipleship and worldview (our set of beliefs), possibly struggling with ourselves and others, and we won’t really grow. 

Jesus was masterful at quickly guiding people into their hearts to uncover their ideas and desires. He challenged hearts and invited people to love Him rather than whatever else they loved. Some followed Him, but many didn’t. 

However, we aren’t as fast or intentional at digging into our hearts as Jesus is. Instead, we throw ourselves into various coping strategies to avoid our hearts.  We’re incredibly inventive at finding things to occupy ourselves.  Sometimes they’re really noticeable, like unhealthy relationships, alcohol and drugs, pornography, and other overtly harmful behaviors. 

But sometimes we avoid our hearts with things that are good. Someone said the greatest danger to Christian formation is Christian service. Volunteerism, work, church activities, and yes, even doctrine.  Doctrine can draw us to Christ, but it can also be as much of a coping mechanism as Netflix or weed.  As humans, we’re incredibly adept at taking good things and using them to mask the hurts, wounds, and wanderings in our hearts. 

Remember, God has placed us in four relationships: with Him, with others, with ourselves, and with creation.  Our primary purpose in these relationships is to love and rule.  Love God, love others, love ourselves, and steward creation and culture. 

It’s challenging for us to love and rule because we live in the tension of two Kingdoms.  As followers of Christ, we are citizens of His Kingdom, the Kingdom of Light.  But we are born into the kingdom of darkness and its sin, and we still exist in it. And though the King of Kings and Lord of Lords is gradually and inevitably plundering the kingdom of darkness, we still live in a world rife with conflict between the two.  

Both kingdoms have their own sets of ideas, and those ideas exist in culture and in our hearts.  We call these Ideas in the Air and Ideas in our Soil.  And most of the time, we don’t know these ideas are governing us.

But we can get a pretty good sense of the ideas in our hearts by paying attention to the Eight Heartview Indicators. 

You’ve heard me say, “We are integrated people living in an integrated world.” We have a body, mind, and spirit in the context of our soul, and they’re all fused together. We are unified beings. 

We talk about seven distinct mountains of culture, but we experience them as an integrated whole.  Most likely, you experience most, if not all, of the seven mountains on any given day, and we do so as a whole, not in parts.

The same “integration” holds for our Eight Indicators. We’re exploring them separately on the podcast, but that’s to identify and work with them.  Our Indicators all function together.  Your heart will bubble up its ideas and desires through most indicators at any given time.  Our thoughts are tied to our feelings.  Our behaviors are deeply connected to our thinking and our emotions.  How we treat money and time, who we relate to, and how…these are all fused with our thoughts, emotions, behaviors, and words. 

Heartview Example

Let’s say, for example, that you know a woman whose heart embraces an Idea of Identity that is dark.  Instead of her heart finding its identity in Christ, she finds it in various men.  She may go to church every Sunday and study her Bible, but her indicators are still pointing to this dark idea about who she truly belongs to. 

Thoughts: Instead of finding her identity as a daughter of God in Christ, she thinks of herself primarily in relation to what a man thinks of her, or how he treats her.  She spends long periods worrying about how a man perceives or relates to her.  She may overvalue what he says to her.  She’ll spend too much time considering what he thinks of her versus what God thinks of her. 

Emotions: Her emotions are linked to her thoughts.  She’s emotionally bound to men in ways that are unhealthy for her.  She may overreact to how a man treats her. Or she may lose her own sense of identity based on the man’s emotions towards her. She may have difficulty controlling her emotions when she interacts with certain men.

Health: Her physical, mental, and spiritual health may be affected by this dark idea. She may obsess and become anxious based on how men treat her. She may become easily tired; she may have other physical symptoms. 

She may be engaged in all sorts of Christian things, but not experience freedom or peace because her heart doesn’t align with her beliefs. 

You get the idea.  Ideas of Light and Ideas of Darkness tend to bubble up and show themselves through any combination of our Eight Indicators.  And that’s why we need God’s help and the help of trusted, safe friends to dig into our hearts.  We’re terrible at exploring our indicators on our own. 

A Simple Definition

This fourth indicator of behaviors is really fascinating and pretty complex.  So, let’s work on a clear definition of what we’re talking about. Let’s start by defining the difference between an “action” and a “behavior.”

An action is typically considered a singular event: I walk the dog.  A behavior is a repeated pattern of actions: I have a habit of walking the dog. I walk the dog five times a week. That’s my behavior.

For the purposes of this episode, I’m going to stick with the concept that behaviors are patterns of actions. 

So, “Behaviors” is the word I used as the Indicator on the Heartview picture, our visual aid, which you can find at soilandroots.org. 

Behavior falls into the study of Psychology, and that’s a very broad, very complex field.  In my studies, I’ve found numerous definitions of behavior, and just as many categories, influences, and theories about behavior.  That shows us just how amazing human beings are, and just how complex the human heart is.

Several of the definitions address how we behave in response to internal or external influences.  And many of the definitions talked about those types of influences: cultural, background, and immediate circumstances.  There is covert and overt behavior, molecular and moral behavior, and voluntary and involuntary behavior.[1]

If you’re into psychology, you can spend a lifetime researching and studying behavior just to come up with a concise definition. 

When we’re talking about Heartview Indicators, we are looking for repeated patterns, not isolated occurrences.  And we’re looking for these patterns in all four of our relationships. 

So, let’s settle on this definition: “Behavior is the pattern of how a person acts in relation to God, others, self, and creation.” What are our repeated actions in the context of our four relationships? 

If you and your spouse take a walk every night after dinner, that is a repeated pattern of action primarily in the context of your relationship with your husband or wife.

If you read your Bible three times a week in the mornings, that’s a repeated pattern of action primarily in the context of your relationship with God. 

If you’re like me and you’ve been 15 to 20 pounds overweight your entire adult life, you may go on a diet every six months to try to drop the weight.  In my case, that’s an unsuccessful repeated pattern primarily in the context of my relationship with myself. 

If you mow your lawn twice a week, that’s a repeated pattern primarily in the context of your relationship with creation.  Yes, mowing the lawn is actually a form of stewardship of creation.  

The trick here is to take an inventory of our patterns of actions in the context of our four

relationships. And this becomes a fascinating study of our hearts.

Dark Spiritual Formation

Over the past few years, numerous articles and documentaries have emerged about two of the most notorious men in recent American history, Hugh Hefner and Jeffrey Epstein.  

We learn a ton about society by identifying the unconscious ideas it promotes about those who are easiest to pick on, and that’s usually women and kids. Both of these men were masterful at understanding and exploiting human behavior, particularly that of underage and young adult women. 

Hugh Hefner was the founder of Playboy and died in 2017 at the age of 91.  Since then, various stories have come out about what really went on inside his corporation, and the company has publicly distanced itself from the Hefner family since his death.   

Jeffrey Epstein died of an apparent suicide in prison in 2019. He was 66.  His long-time friend, lover, or girlfriend, Ghislane Maxwell, was also a primary ringleader in his operation. She is serving a twenty-year prison sentence for trafficking minor girls. 

It’s fairly easy to uncover various ideas in the hearts of Hefner, Epstein, and Maxwell based on their behavior. They used their extraordinary wealth and privilege to seduce and groom children and young women for their own purposes. When it comes to their core ideas of value, power, purpose, and love, all of them viewed young women as meat to be enjoyed at their discretion.  They were gods, and they used and abused people as they saw fit.  They had the money and status to do so. 

The Five Elements of Formation and Playboy

What I found more fascinating and even sadder were the stories of some of the abused women, particularly those exploited by Playboy. 

Hefner targeted certain types of young women, those with the “girl next door” persona, and so he and his team recruited girls with that image.  As we’ve talked about, our family of origin is incredibly powerful at framing our heart’s ideas, and many of the women who came into Hefner’s web had tragic origin stories. Absent or abusive fathers, sexual abuse, legalistic, controlling homes. 

They were enthralled by the money, power, and allure of life at the Playboy mansion, and Hefner was a master of seduction.  Over time, women who came into the system to become models were introduced to drugs, alcohol, and hard partying.  And they and their bodies became slaves to Hefner and the men who frequented the mansion. 

These women entered a system that expected them to behave in certain ways.  They were required to perform repeated actions, over and over again. The impact it had on their health (physical, mental, and spiritual) was profound. One model lost all of her teeth because of drug use.  Some women disappeared, and a few were found dead. Most of the women who came forward talked openly about the destruction and damage they suffered as a result of their behaviors and the behavior of certain men. 

Hefner created an immersive culture of spiritual formation featuring our five key elements:  time, habit, intimacy, community, and instruction.  Remember, spiritual formation goes both ways. Hefner wanted to mold the spirits of the women he wanted for himself, and he created the right culture to do so.  

The models lived at the mansion. They spent an extraordinary amount of time there. 

There were daily and nightly rituals and habits. Days and nights were planned for these women, and they followed a predictable schedule. 

Obviously, physical intimacy was a prerequisite for these women. 

Hefner created a very specific, very intentional community, and the women were given strict and regular instruction on what was required of them.  Hefner’s culture actually provides a master lesson on the key elements of formation and how they can be used to mold hearts and minds. 

Here’s what I found particularly fascinating. That immersive culture was so powerful, so formative, that even after the abuse these women suffered, many were still supportive of the ideas behind Playboy’s mission and their promotion of Playboy Bunnies.  Meaning, that while these women condemned the behavior of the men who exploited them, and they regretted their own behavior, they still concluded that women posing naked and performing various acts on video was empowering and good for women. They still embraced the underlying ideas and behaviors that led to their abuse and exploitation in the first place.

It’s like the bunny rabbit on the sidewalk.  He behaves in one way to get away from me, but he “behaves” his way into the middle of the street, where the circumstances are far more dangerous. 

We’d be better off not becoming like any bunny, Playboy or otherwise.      

The Full Picture

As Christians who desire to be more like Jesus, we evaluate our own behaviors and those around us holistically.  What do I mean by that?

Today, we place great value on prayer, Bible reading, church volunteering, evangelism, and preaching.  These are the behaviors of “good Christians.”  We tend to be quick to praise and esteem church and business leaders who exhibit these behaviors regularly.

Should we? Is that the whole picture?  If a pastor leads a Bible study and is an effective communicator, does that mean we should esteem him only on the basis of those behaviors? We do this all the time. 

Are so-called spiritual behaviors how we come to understand someone’s heart?  I don’t think that’s the whole picture. 

Some of the most reprehensible behavior I’ve ever witnessed came from church leaders who pray a lot, preach with impact, and go on regular mission trips. 

A few self-proclaimed evangelists I’ve encountered preach Jesus to anyone who will or won’t listen and count prayers of salvation like notches on a bedpost, and then treat their spouses harshly, verbally abuse their kids, cheat on their taxes, or try to control every aspect of their organization or church from profound insecurity. 

Somewhat ironically, we only know about folks who pray a lot, fast often, or give a lot of money away because they talk about it so often.  I suspect some of the quieter Christians we meet have richer prayer lives and far more generous pockets, but we don’t hear that from them.

We should be grateful that the Gospel is spreading through all sorts of people.  In Philippians, Paul celebrated the fact that the Gospel was being preached, even though it came from people who did so with wrong motives. In His grace, God often does ministry in spite of us, not because of us (Philippians 1:15-20). 

We tend to overemphasize so-called “spiritual behaviors” because it’s fashionable and it gives us status in the Christian community.  That’s why, when we evaluate ourselves or others, we should look at all behaviors across all four relationships, not just the public ones that give us points with other Christians. If we’re interested in exploring our hearts, we should include those behaviors that happen behind closed doors at home or when we’re alone. 

Paul gave Titus instructions on what to look for in mature disciples.  This is specific to the office of elder, but I think we can argue these are things we should look for in ourselves as genuine disciples who want to grow more and more into the image of Jesus:

…namely, if any man is above reproach, the husband of one wife, having children who believe, not accused of dissipation or rebellion. For the overseer must be above reproach as God’s steward, not self-willed, not quick-tempered, not addicted to wine, not pugnacious, not fond of sordid gain, but hospitable, loving what is good, sensible, just, devout, self-controlled, holding fast the faithful word which is in accordance with the teaching, so that he will be able both to exhort in sound doctrine and to refute those who contradict.[2]

Listen carefully to his keywords: above reproach, faithfully married, solid kids, not rebellious, not self-willed, not quick-tempered, not addicted to anything, not greedy.  Hospitable, loving what is good, has common sense, is just, devout, and self-controlled.  And lastly, holding fast to the word. 

In other words, a mature disciple exhibits patterns of behavior that reflect Christ across all four relationships.  You can actually take this passage and list the behaviors on a grid with four quadrants: our relationship with God, others, ourselves, and creation.  It’s a fascinating little exercise. 

Is it possible to pray two hours a day and still lack common sense and self-control?  Yes. 

Is it possible to be an effective evangelist, pastor, or elder, and be a control freak? To be a narcissist?  Yes.

Is it possible to exhibit the behaviors of a mature Christian visibly and externally, but actually have a heart that bends towards darkness? Absolutely.

When we work with God and trusted friends to evaluate our behaviors as an indicator of our hearts, we must do so holistically. We don’t just look at our “church-y” behaviors; we look at our repeated actions toward God, toward those closest to us, toward ourselves, and toward our role as stewards of creation. 

Why?  Because we’re really good at faking behaviors in certain settings.  Though God isn’t fooled, and chances are those closest to us aren’t fooled either. 

If we struggle with self-control and insecurity, those points to ideas and desires in our hearts. They will surface in our behavior, but probably not at church.  We tend to be fantastic actors there. 

This is Tough Stuff

Ah, now we’re really beginning to see why Heartview is so challenging and why most people don’t do it.  Are we up for sitting with our spouse, our parents, or close friends and asking them how our repeated actions are uncovering ideas of light or darkness in our hearts?  Is the way we consistently behave in our relationship with God, or those closest to us, or with ourselves, more like Jesus now compared to a few years ago?  Does our behavior towards creation and culture indicate we are rulers of it, or do we act like we’re victims of it?

But this is the path of deeper spiritual formation. 

I’m not downplaying spiritual disciplines like reading your Bible and praying. Good grief, do those things. I am saying, however, that just doing those things may or may not form you into the likeness of Jesus.  We can talk to God and not listen back.  We can read our Bible without comprehending a single thing.  We behave in lots of ways that don’t actually engage our hearts. We do it all the time.

But our hearts, our spirits, will bubble up even in the midst of all of our acting. It’s a gift of God that it does.  And if we sit with God and some trusted people and really explore our holistic behaviors across all four relationships, we will discover God waiting for us, inviting us to dig into our hearts with Him so that He can form us and mold us to love Him more.

By the way, this particular Indicator is useful in other ways.  If someone accuses you of bad behavior, and you’re confused by the accusation because you don’t recognize it in yourself, what can you do?

First, ask the Holy Spirit to provide clarity.  Then we go to a trusted, safe person (a spouse, a friend, a parent) and ask whether they see the behavior for which you’re being accused.  Maybe ask more than one trusted person. 

If your friends have your interests at heart but still agree with your accuser, it’s time to dig deeper. But if your friends are as confused as you are by the accusation, chances are your accuser has a very different agenda.  And you’re not obligated to take that train to Crazy Town with them. 

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[1] https://textileapex.com/human-behavior-classification-characteristics-and-causation/

[2] New American Standard Bible: 1995 update (Tt 1:6–9). (1995). The Lockman Foundation.