Ep 78: Kingdom Dwellers – Particularity

Particularity – the habit of uniquely noticing someone – is a central quality of being a deep disciple and something Jesus embodied repeatedly. Since the human heart’s deepest desire is to know and be known, perhaps the cure to an extraordinary epidemic of loneliness (inside and outside the church) is to slow down, breathe, and practice particularity!

TRANSCRIPTION

Particularity in Discipleship

The Doctor and The Vacuum

“Particularity” is not a term we use all that often, but it’s a perfect word to describe another central quality of being a deep disciple.

As we continue to explore the Forgotten Kingdom this season, we’re digging in to excavate some perhaps hidden qualities of a kingdom-dweller.  We’ve already had a wonderful time discussing “courageous curiosity.”

Particularity is just a fancy word that means the quality of being an individual[1], or simply that someone is noticing you individually, personally, on purpose.  Someone is seeking you out.  So, a person becoming a deep disciple is not only courageously curious, but they practice particularity – the habit of seeking others out in order to know them.

Let’s start our look into “particularity” with a few stories.

Our family has been going to the same general practitioner for over 15 years.  Thankfully we haven’t had to see him all that often, but overall, the care has been pretty good.  A few years ago, however, he sold his practice to a medical marketing company, and he’s now part of a dozen or so newly branded offices across the area.  I get it – it’s become harder and harder for solo doctors to stay in business.

A few months ago, I called his office to schedule an appointment for a minor health issue.  When I asked for the first available appointment to see him, I was told it was about a six-week wait.  That was odd because for years patients could get in to see him the same day or the next day, especially if it was something urgent.  I was asked if I would rather visit with one of his nurse practitioners?

Sure, I said.  In that case, the wait was only about a week, but I was assured the nurse was frequently in contact with the doctor, and my case would be evaluated by both of them.

So about eight days later I went to see the nurse practitioner.  The visit was fine, though I got the sense she wasn’t all that interested in hearing my symptoms or history.  She made up her mind rather quickly what she thought my diagnosis was and sent me on my way.  I saw her for five minutes or so.

The condition didn’t improve, so a month or so later I called to come back in.  Again, I was unable to see the doctor for another 6 weeks, so I was assigned to another nurse practitioner at another location.  But I scheduled the follow-up.  Oddly, their office contacted me three times over the next few days to remind me to schedule the follow-up I had just scheduled.

I went to see this new nurse.  She was far more interested in understanding my situation, though she began asking me some questions I had already answered.  I said, “Oh, your office asked me to fill out an online intake form the other day, so I provided that information to you – it should be in my file.”

She gave me a blank stare and then said, “I don’t have access to any of that.  I can’t see anything you filled out online.”  She checked her system and then she checked with the front desk – nobody in the office was able to access the online forms I filled out in preparation for the appointment, even though it was their office that required I fill them out.

My wife and I walked away from that last appointment fairly certain we weren’t being noticed.

Compare that customer experience with a visit I had early last year to a store to look for a new vacuum cleaner.

In our house, I’m the chief “vacuumer,” and I’m pretty particular about the equipment I use.  I’ve been a Dyson man for several years, but the last Dyson we had didn’t last as long as I thought it should, so it was time to consider some other brands.

We walked into a big box store and wandered over to their household appliance section.  A young man approached us and asked if he could help and I replied yes.

He then began to ask me more questions about how I vacuum than anyone had ever asked me before.  What percentage of our house was hardwood compared to carpet? What sort of carpets did we have?  How often did I vacuum?  How often did I use attachments for baseboards or stairs?  Did we have a lot of power outlets? How long of a power cord did I like?  What brands had I used before and what was my experience with them?  Had I ever used a self-propelled model and what did I think about them?

Then he took us over to a demonstration area, proceeded to dump a bunch of dirt on the floor, and had us try several different makes and models of vacuums to see what we thought, all along appearing genuinely interested in my passion for vacuuming.

He wasn’t pushy and he spent quite a bit of time with us, exploring what product might fit best for us.  We ended up buying a mid-range Shark model. When we left, I wondered if that guy could have sold ice to an Eskimo, if nothing else besides the fact he seemed to be very passionate about people, hearing their stories, and seeing if he could genuinely find the best product to fit their needs.

Particularity

Of these two short stories, which best exemplifies “particularity?”  In the case of my doctor, it’s painfully obvious they’ve lost their passion and pursuit of the individual.  But in the case of the vacuum sales guy – well that gentleman may well be a deep disciple.

Randy Reese and Rob Loane describe it this way: “Jesus particularized others throughout His earthly ministry – that is, he uniquely noticed them.  His compassion toward others was not a one-size-fits-all approach.  He singled people out amid the crowds and approached them for the unique persons they were.”[2]

They go on to talk about the story of Zacchaeus when Jesus noticed him, chose him out of a crowd, and invited Himself to his house for dinner.  Or the story of the woman of blood, who touched Jesus amid a crowd of people, yet Jesus specifically asked her to identify herself.

Reese and Loane continue, “Jesus had a way of seeing and believing in what people could become well beyond their capacity to do the same for themselves.  They felt noticed, embraced, accepted, forgiven, and invited into a wholly alternative way of living…

It is a powerful thing to be lovingly and particularly noticed by another person, let alone Jesus.  And in our culture today we hunger to be seen in this manner.”[3]

Hunger indeed. Just look at social media and our increasingly desperate attempts to be seen, to be liked, to be affirmed, even if what is actually “liked” is a false portrait of who we truly are.

To Be Known

In working on this episode, I was reminded of a quote we repeated a few times back in Season 1.

“Neuroscientist Curt Thompson is fond of saying that when each one of us comes into this world, we enter it looking for someone looking for us. Our deepest desire and highest hope is that there will be someone looking for us, and that this person will always be there for us and will pursue our hearts with a genuine desire to truly know us. Our greatest need as human beings is to be known, and to know that the person who knows us will be there for us.”^[4]

“Our greatest need as human beings is to be known, and to know that the person who knows us will be there for us.”

If our greatest need is to be known and to be secure in the person knowing us, what does that require?  A heart that pursues us, and a heart that is willing and open to being pursued.

So, another way to think about particularity is the intentional pursuit of someone’s heart simply to know them and to seek their goodness.

Back to the vacuum sales guy. I didn’t get the sense that he would have been upset if we didn’t buy a vacuum from him.  He was perfectly happy to ask us questions, hear our story, attempt to do something good for us and walk away glad for us even if we didn’t make him any commission.  He seemed to delight in getting to know people simply for the joy of getting to know people.

You might be wondering why that half-hour exchange sticks out so much in my mind.  I guess because the guy reminded me a bit of Jesus.  I’ve spent half my career so far in the business world and half in the ministry world.  At least for me, it isn’t all that common to sit down with someone who just wants to get to know you for no other reason than to get to know you.

I’ve rarely done that.

Value Exchange Relationships and Narcissists

Most of my career roles have been in some sort of leadership capacity and, as just about any leader will tell you, most of the time when people meet with you, they want something from you.  That’s very normal. They want information, money, business, a service, your power or authority, your affirmation, your assurance.

If you catch your pastor at a vulnerable moment, he’ll probably agree with that statement.  It’s one of the reasons so many pastors are exhausted and isolated.  Where can they go to be known by someone just because they’re an individual worth knowing?

By the way, in most cases, these types of human interactions are fine.  On its face, there’s nothing wrong with wanting or needing something from someone.

We want advice from our pastor, and we want a receipt from the grocery store clerk. We want affirmation from our kids, we want sex from our spouse.  We want relief from our doctor, we want a vaccuum from the sales guy.

I think our internal, sometimes unconscious loneliness and isolation start to creep in when our relationships ONLY function at this “value exchange” type of level.  I’ll give you this, and you give me that.  I’ll do this, and you do that.

This may be our reality for cursory relationships, but also for those that are supposed to be the most intimate and secure, like our marriages and friendships. And corrupted souls such as narcissists will act and behave like they seek your goodness, that they are getting to know you simply to know you…until you’ve served your purpose, and then they’ll turn on you or work to destroy you.

I suppose it’s the difference between feeling like a number, an ATM, or the person always leaned on for advice, compared to feeling like you’re the most valuable person in the universe because someone continues to pursue you simply because you’re you.  They’re listening to you, they’re interested in you, and they truly desire to be with you at a heart level.

Wendell Berry writes, “… love is never abstract. It does not adhere to the universe of the planet or the nation or the institutions or the profession, but to the singular sparrows of the street, the lilies of the field, ‘the least of these, my brethren.’”[5]

Is System the Enemy of Particularity?

Here again, we should look at the customs, institutions, and rhythms of modern Christianity.  If particularity – the specific noticing and knowing of the individual – is a critical characteristic of Jesus, how does that work itself out in the local Christian community?

Some churches and communities are marvelous at being “particular” – at noticing the uniqueness and wonderment of each individual.  These communities are centered on the idea that each and every person is worthy of knowing and being known.  They create a culture where every new person is welcomed and invited into personal, authentic relationships with other individuals if the newcomer is open and receptive to that.  They recognize the uniqueness, the story, and the priceless value of each person.

We should also be cautious, because not every community reflects that particularity.  We live in a culture whose ideas –unconscious assumptions – often revolve around systems, processes, and efficiency.  Those are all good things…until they override particularity.

Let’s take a look at evangelism training.  Dozens of methods and systems have been created over the years: Four Spiritual Laws, Two Important Questions, the Non-threatening Evangelism System.  Wikipedia lists categories such as open-air evangelism, trickle-down evangelism, lifestyle evangelism, friendship evangelism, televangelism, Internet evangelism, creation evangelism, and archaeological evangelism.[6]

Are these good?  Are they valid approaches to inviting someone into the kingdom? Yes, I think so.

Are these systems or methods particular?  Are they designed to help us notice, listen to, and know the heart of the person with whom we’re engaged?  If Jesus customized His approach to individuals and was in tune with each heart with whom He formed a relationship, does a system help us hear someone’s heart?

I think some of them can, though we might be careful not to trust a system over simply being curious about the individual.

And, if we took a more careful look, some methods are designed as “drive-by evangelism” – get someone “saved” and move on.  Various modern evangelism systems are designed specifically to “get a decision,” without attempting to build any sort of vulnerable relationship with the person.

I think these are offshoots of the popular evangelistic crusades of the last century.  People came en masse to hear a convicting sermon and to make a decision for Jesus with the hope that local churches would welcome the masses into their congregations for ongoing relationships after the crusade was over.  Anecdotally, however, most of the people who made such a decision never showed up in a church.

Some time ago, I was told by an employee of an evangelistic organization that the ministry was offering a substantial year-end bonus to the employee who “shared the Gospel” the most times… using their internal evangelism system.  Employees didn’t qualify for the bonus if they didn’t use their proprietary system, their specific script, with their specific Gospel talking points.  Even sharing your own testimony didn’t count.

Does that strike anyone else as odd? Offering a financial bonus for sharing “the Gospel,” and only the version approved by an organization that required certain words and phrases to be used?

Do systems provide confidence and a path for people to communicate with others?  Absolutely.  Are they efficient?  I think so – training systems are meant to be efficient.

However, we should note that particularity isn’t efficient.  Getting to know someone – really knowing them at a heart level – is actually inefficient.

Are We Aware We’re Lonely?

If our heart’s deepest desire is to be known by someone who will be there for us, then perhaps the one thing that breaks and destroys more hearts than anything else is loneliness.

Dallas Willard wrote, “But now loneliness is loose upon the landscape.  It haunts the penthouse and the rectory, the executive suite and the millionaire’s mansion, as well as the barren apartment, the assembly line, the cocktail bar, and the city streets.  It is, as Mother Teresa of Calcutta once said, the leprosy of the modern world.”[7]

Fair enough, but here’s a difficult question.  Are people even aware they’re lonely?  If our deepest desire is to know and be known, would we feel that loss in today’s society?

Pastor Jeremy Linneman writes about visiting a couple from his church early on in his ministry.

“They talked at length about their marriage and children but said nothing of church community and friendship. I asked a question I had never asked in that context before: ‘Do you have any friends?’

‘Ah,’ the husband said, looking at his wife. ‘No, we don’t really have any friends.’ They explained the schedule of two working adults with two children in private schools with additional sports involvement. They said they had friends when they met each other, but in the two decades of marriage that followed, they hadn’t maintained a single friendship. They seemed to shrug this off and smile. I can remember my surprise more than twelve years later: How could Christians be friendless? And just how common is this?”

He goes on, “As I’ve continued in my pastoral ministry, I’ve met and ministered among countless people like this. They don’t feel lonely, but they do feel busy, overwhelmed, and fragmented. They want friends but have embraced a lifestyle that makes friendship and community almost impossible. They go to church, attend a small group, pray, and read their Bibles. But their understanding of relationships and community has been far more conditioned by the radical individualism of our society than by the biblical foundation. As a result, deep relationships—beyond marriage and family—seem like an optional add-on to life.”[8]

By the way, when we hear phrases such as “conditioned by the radical individualism of our society,” we’re in Soil and Roots territory. Many of our hearts have been formed (conditioned) by ideas, unconscious assumptions, and we aren’t even aware of it. In this case, many of our hearts have been trained by non-biblical individualistic “ideas in the air” that numb us to the heart’s longing for deeper, vulnerable, secure relationships.  We aren’t even conscious of what we don’t have.  But 100% of the time, our hearts will bubble up their ideas and desires anyhow.

I’m quoting a lot from Linneman’s article, but it’s so important to our exploration of particularity.

“Americans are lonelier than ever. Even with affordable phone calls and free email, we are talking to one another less. Despite the high prevalence of car ownership and the low cost of cross-country air travel, we are spending less time with our families.

Research demonstrates that loneliness causes “an insidious type of stress” that leads to chronic inflammation and an increased risk of heart disease, arthritis, and diabetes. In fact, loneliness has the same effect on mortality as smoking fifteen cigarettes a day. Loneliness may be the epidemic of contemporary Western culture. Most of our other epidemics—from heart disease to pornography use—can trace their roots back to a lonely heart.

Social scientists have been aware of these trends for years. In 2001, Harvard researcher Robert Putnam published an influential book, Bowling Alone. He demonstrated that American social trends can be summarized with a simple illustration: While bowling leagues are in decline, more people are bowling than ever. Why? People are bowling alone. In the past two decades, this individualistic trend has not only continued; it’s been supercharged. In our new generation of social media, online shopping, and remote work, people aren’t just bowling alone. We’re scrolling alone.

And this is true not merely of nonreligious people. Church members, too, are increasingly isolated from their neighbors and from fellow believers.”[9]

And this was true before the 2020 pandemic.

Going After the One

Let’s summarize.

Our heart’s deepest desire is to know and be known, and to be known in secure, safe, unconditional relationships.

This requires particularity – the habit of noticing one another, of paying attention to one another, of vulnerably knowing one another at an individual, personal level.  Without question, this should be a hallmark of every Christian community, be it a family, small group, Greenhouse, or church.

However, if loneliness is the “leprosy” of our age, both inside and outside the church, perhaps we need to give particularity another look.  And if many people’s hearts are lonely and they aren’t even conscious of it, perhaps particularity is a modern-day cure for all sorts of coping mechanisms, anxiety, depression, addiction, and physical and emotional challenges.  Perhaps we might help heal and restore simply by being the type of friend Jesus is to us.

Perhaps if we just practice being with one another, being tuned in, being intentional, listening, being curious, and going beyond the surface social interactions, we might find that the people around us are amazing treasures.

I’m not sure this entails making wholesale changes to our lifestyles.  But certainly, anyone who wants to practice particularly has to slow down.  We need to breathe. We may need to practice listening to hearts and not just words.

But let’s be honest, we may not want to become a particular people.  Our hearts may not be ready to enter into new, vulnerable, risky relationships.  We recognize that we may be surrounded by people with lonely hearts, and we may be those people!  We may be, consciously or unconsciously, keeping ourselves crazy busy because that’s easier and safer than slowing down!

Fortunately, Jesus is gentle, kind, patient, and often slow with us, thank heavens.  He meets us where we’re at, and invites us to notice and be noticed.  We can be assured He notices us, He values and honors us as individuals, and He deeply desires to know us and be known.  If we need a little thawing out, He’s the one to slowly and gently do that.

So maybe we just start small.  Maybe we just start at home.  The next time our spouse, parent, child, or friend is talking about their life, we purposefully dial in a bit more.  We not only listen to their words, but we also listen to their hearts.  We pay attention to their body language, their vocal tone, and their emotions.  We ask curious questions, and we listen –not to form our next response, but to hear what their heart is communicating.

In other words, we treat them as Jesus treats us.  Unique, valuable individuals with particular stories, particular joys, particular hurts, and particular passions.  People worthy of being known, because they are created in the Image of our greatest friend. And, perhaps along the way, we’ll treat ourselves the same way.

As we journey together into deep discipleship, may we be people who practice courageously curious particularity – focusing in, noticing, and pursuing the one.  Like the guy selling vacuum cleaners.

[1] https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/particularity

[2] Reese, R. & Loane, R. (2012). Deep Mentoring: Guiding Others on Their Leadership Journey, (p. 182). IVP Books.

[3] Reese, R. & Loane, R. (2012). Deep Mentoring: Guiding Others on Their Leadership Journey, (p. 183). IVP Books.

[4] https://adamyoungcounseling.com/free-documents/ (document called Attachment)

[5] Reese, R. & Loane, R. (2012). Deep Mentoring: Guiding Others on Their Leadership Journey, (pp. 206-207). IVP Books.

[6] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Approaches_to_evangelism

[7] Willard, D. (2012). Hearing God: Developing a Conversational Relationship with God, (p. 61). IVP Books.

[8] https://www.crossway.org/articles/feeling-alone-in-a-crowded-congregation/

[9] https://www.crossway.org/articles/feeling-alone-in-a-crowded-congregation/