Spiritual Formation and Narcissism
Becoming a person of depth means taking the time and effort to explore the often-hidden parts of our hearts: our ideas and desires. These function like an “operating system”—we aren’t usually conscious of their presence. Much like our digestive or circulatory systems (which continue supporting our bodies without our awareness), ideas and desires power and govern us quietly from the deepest, most secret parts of our hearts.
As Chuck DeGroat writes:
There is the public self we present to the world, the private self we share selectively with others, the blind self that is clear to others but which remains hidden to us, and the undiscovered self which, like the shadow, contains unseen and unconscious aspects of ourselves.
Uncovering our operating systems is no easy task, and it’s best done in a safe environment with Jesus and a few trusted friends.
As theologian Dallas Willard noted, a person apprenticing with Jesus is always safe. Though true, this is one of the most challenging statements for me to accept. I intellectually believe it. My heart doesn’t always experience it.
One of the reasons is my long history with narcissists.
If It Walks Like a Duck…
I’ve always enjoyed competing and achieving, though the desire for others’ approval has a dark side.
I’ve spent most of my career in executive roles in both the for-profit and non-profit sectors. And I used to be profoundly naive about certain executive leaders who exuded confidence, excellence, and vulnerability.
At some point, I woke up to a repeating pattern: I would be emotionally seduced by the ongoing compliments and affections of a boss, co-worker, employee, pastor, etc., only to be rejected and vilified when my usefulness dried up. When I was no longer helpful, if I misstepped, or if I was perceived as some sort of threat, the kindness stopped, and the campaign of destruction started. And, to a one, these men all claimed to be following Jesus.
It’s not that I didn’t make mistakes – I’ve made more than my fair share. It’s that I would suddenly become the villain in a movie in which I didn’t know I was starring. Things I had said and done were taken out of context, conversations were rewritten, and private information I had shared became weaponized.
If you’ve ever experienced a relationship with a narcissist, you feel like you’re losing your mind. And the growing uncertainty and insecurity take root in your heart, and you become darker. You question your decisions, your words, and your relationships. You become unbalanced, and your identity becomes garbled – which is precisely the narcissist’s objective. They seek control, and if they can’t get it, they seek destruction.
I’ve seen various reports and research studies suggesting that narcissism is rampant in Christian communities, particularly in leadership roles. I don’t find the data convincing, though my personal experience wouldn’t negate such findings. I suspect faith communities are attractive targets for predators, considering we’re supposed to be open, trusting, and submissive to authority figures.
The Basics
Definitions of a narcissist abound, though a good place to start is “a person who has an excessive interest in or admiration of themselves.” The irony is that this admiration is generally mired in a soul-sucking insecurity. Some researchers claim that full-throated narcissists lack the capacity for empathy. They cannot repent because they cannot accept that they’ve done anything wrong.
We typically think of braggadocious, loud celebrities or politicians as narcissists, and perhaps they are. However, often the more dangerous types are what are called “covert” narcissists. They are far more challenging to spot. Many of the coverts I’ve known are soft-spoken, sincere, and winsome people on the surface.
They pray and sing worship songs. They appear vulnerable, empathetic, and supportive. They may also be fabulous communicators, teaching and leading with conviction and wit. They may go years hidden underneath a soft, loving exterior—until they snap.
We’ve adopted numerous and colorful descriptions of the narcissist’s tactics and relationships: love bombing, gaslighting, projecting, manipulation, flying monkeys, and reality distortion.
Years ago, I served a large church pastor who routinely displayed most of these characteristics. He was a profoundly insecure man.
Chuck DeGroat comments:
“Spiritual and emotional abuse have much in common, but spiritual abuse bears a particularly sinister twist, as principles and maxims of faith are wielded as weapons of command and control, and faith leaders abuse their power for the sake of feeding their own unmet emotional needs.”
This pastor’s elder board acutely exemplified the term “flying monkeys.” While he continued bullying, distorting, and projecting, his governing board provided shade. To do otherwise would have threatened the financial stability of their large church. Other pastors and staff cycled through the institution with concerning frequency, falling victim to their pastor. But hey, people were “getting saved.”
Narcissism and Spiritual Formation
Being in a vulnerable relationship with someone with narcissistic tendencies is often a pathway toward dark spiritual formation, even if the relationship is in some faith-based context. Just because someone prays, studies the Bible, talks about Jesus, and goes on mission trips doesn’t make them good for our souls.
When we immerse ourselves in the four Gospels, we discover that Jesus related to people differently according to their heart dispositions. He divulged himself to some and avoided others. He shared direct information with some and provided obscure bits and pieces to others. He was uncommonly kind and merciful to thousands, yet blunt and passive with others.
He is the most relationally shrewd person in the history of the world, and we should desire to become more like Him, especially when dealing with predatory, seductive, narcissistic people.
Who Seeks Our Goodness?
As we continue exploring spiritual formation in small communities, we will discover that the ideas and desires that govern us are impacted by instruction, but perhaps more so by experience and relationship. If our hearts have been broken and wounded, it isn’t enough to be told the facts of why we should heal. We experience healing through God’s consistent, long-term safety and security, often through people who legitimately seek our goodness.
Narcissists seek the opposite—they seek their own goodness and are often willing to destroy the safety and security of those whom they perceive as threats to their reputations. Sometimes, they destroy through swift and permanent actions. Sometimes, they bring death by a thousand cuts over years of roller-coaster reality distortion.
An essential aspect of becoming a deep disciple is not only knowing but also experiencing our identity in God. We can claim to be sons and daughters of the king of the universe, but if we suffer from inner anxieties and confusion about who we truly are, we recognize that this is an invitation from Jesus into a more profound peace and stability.
That peace and stability are more difficult to experience if we are in a close relationship with someone whose goal is the opposite.
What Do I Do?
Sometimes, I’m approached by a victim of narcissistic abuse, be it in a marriage, family, friendship, or faith community. They ask the same question I used to ask: “What do I do?”
- The question itself is a vital step toward healing because it means the person has recognized they are in a distorted relationship. Too many victims of narcissism have had their reality distorted to the degree that they no longer recognize the abuse. It’s just normal. In some unfortunate cases, they worship and idolize their abuser. The narcissist has complete control.
- I’m not sure there is a one-size-fits-all answer to the question. The goal is paramount – becoming a person with free agency who willingly gives themselves over to only one Person, and it certainly isn’t the narcissist. True inner freedom (which drastically increases our desire and capacity to love others) is only found in voluntarily and willingly searching for our identity, meaning, and purpose in our king. For some, this requires departing a narcissistic relationship. For others, it means learning to relate to them shrewdly while maintaining their agency and emotionally protecting their hearts.
- It seems to me that, in virtually all cases, the victim of narcissism is best helped and served by being accepted into a small gathering of people who have their backs. Whether they choose to stay in a narcissistic relationship or not, their hearts yearn for people who seek their goodness, help them rewire their hearts and brains toward reality, and commit to being with them for the long term (there’s that word “with” again).
If you’ve been the victim of narcissistic abuse, it is tough to avoid a permanent and damaging cynicism. It can be hard to trust anyone again, even if there are people in your life who genuinely love you. Jessica (my wife) and I can relate.
It can be difficult to love anyone, though it can feel impossible to love a narcissist. By definition, someone who refuses to seek your goodness is your enemy. Therefore, narcissists are often our enemies. Yet Jesus calls us to love our enemies.
So, how do we love the narcissist while still loving ourselves? Sometimes, the best way to seek their goodness and preserve our agency is to never speak to them again. Other times, it means learning to relate to them and to seek their goodness without sacrificing our identity. In all cases, it means accepting Jesus’ invitation to find true inner freedom and peace through experiencing our identity in Him. That usually involves being surrounded by others who are willing to help us experience that formation together.
