The Wall
…and why we should press into it.
We’re continuing our exploration of “The Great Omission,” a term coined by theologian Dallas Willard to describe the state of the modern church. We talk a lot about making disciples, but struggle to do so.
He defined a disciple as an apprentice of Jesus for the purpose of becoming more like Him over time.
Ultimately, a disciple is someone being formed to love more and more like Jesus loves. That’s why discipleship is often called “spiritual formation” (with our spirits, or our hearts, at the core of who we are).
If we find ourselves stuck in our spiritual formation, we can often feel it. We wonder if there is more to our lives in Christ than what we’re experiencing. We sense a disconnection: with God, others, and maybe even ourselves. Our Christian rituals may be regular and good, but we aren’t sure if they are taking root in our hearts and gently nudging us toward Jesus. Maybe our prayer life has become stale and difficult.
Either way, when we ask ourselves, “Am I more like Jesus now than I was five years ago?” we aren’t quite sure how to answer.
If you missed the first few posts on this subject, you can find them here, here, and here.
Back in the 1980s, Robert Gulich and Janet Hagberg wrote a book called The Critical Journey. They theorized that our lifelong process of Christian spiritual formation can be broken down into six stages.
- Recognition of God
- A Life of Learning (what they call discipleship)
- The Productive Life
- The Journey Inward (and the “Wall”)
- The Journey Outward
- The Life of Love
Our journey through these stages is rarely linear. We tend to bounce around, sit in one stage for years, or keep coming back to a comfortable phase of our adventure.
When I first read the book, I thought the Christian life consisted of only the first three stages. We’re introduced to God, we throw ourselves into Bible studies, sermons, and communities to help us learn about Him, and then we launch into a life of serving the church, the disadvantaged, and all manner of people.
That’s it – that’s the Christian life in a nutshell. What else is there?
Apparently, quite a lot. The fourth stage, the Journey Inward, is a time of questions, doubts, introspection, and wondering if there is more to our story than we thought. It’s a purposeful dive into the depths of our hearts to see if we can discover what’s truly there. Beneath our Christianese, our belief statements, and our good rituals, who are we? Really?
The Journey Inward is also characterized by the “Wall.” The Wall is a crisis that turns our world upside down. A cancer diagnosis. A theological question we just can’t reconcile. A divorce. A betrayal. An addiction that spins out of control. A difficult transition, move, job loss, or interruption in the safe rhythm of our lives.
Job sitting in despair with his friends. Jonah in the belly of the whale. Peter after Jesus was arrested. Abraham and Sarah after years of waiting for a baby. The book of Ecclesiastes.
What we assumed was solid is no longer solid. The promises we held to may be in question. Verses we leaned into before no longer speak to us intimately. In fact, we aren’t sure if they hold for us at all.
We have a choice when we inevitably face the Wall.
We may retreat to a previous, safer stage and ignore it. That was my pattern the first few times I ran into it.
We may numb ourselves to it. It’s not like we don’t have options to distract us from inner doubt and turmoil: work, church, our phones, hobbies, unhealthy relationships, TV, worry, anxiety, ruminating on the past…the list of potential addictions is nearly endless.
We may attempt to skirt the Wall and skip to Stage 5. That doesn’t work because the Wall is necessary for our hearts to begin to see people more as Jesus sees them and love them as He does.
We may give up altogether. We may “deconstruct” or just go through the motions. We may show up to Bible study or church, but our hearts are fading away into a listless sea of quiet confusion and disillusionment.
Or we may press into the Wall.
Many of us try to avoid the Wall, but we don’t intentionally embrace it because it’s usually painful. It’s a time of acknowledging our inner doubts about God, our key relationships, and ourselves. Instead of running from them, ignoring them, or feeling shame because we have them, we begin to inquire about them. We become “courageously curious,” asking questions of God and ourselves that we were previously afraid to ask.
It’s a time of wrestling, introspection, revisiting our personal stories, and wondering why we believe what we believe. And, in some cases, whether we truly believe what we say we believe.
The irony is Stage 4 and the Wall is the catalyst into the deep end of discipleship. When we invite God into our doubts, dissensions, disagreements, and inner suffering, I picture Him gently smiling, winking, and softly saying, “It’s about time. I’ve been waiting for you.”
As far as I can tell, I’ve been in Stage 4 and the Wall for a few years now. At times, it feels selfish, like Christian navel-gazing. Aren’t we supposed to die to self? Aren’t we supposed to focus on others and not ourselves? Aren’t we supposed to always be “pressing onward toward the upward call of Christ Jesus?”
Yet there is a heart authenticity that develops in the Wall, leading to a truer, deeper understanding of God and ourselves. And that leads us to extend that authenticity to others…our hearts learn to love better.
However, we face a significant challenge in today’s Christianity, which Gulich and Hagberg point out in their book (and Dr. Jim Reiter will expand on in next week’s podcast episode).
Most of our modern church institutions are exemplary at educating us and guiding us through Stages 1-3. They excel at introducing us to the Gospel, providing wonderful resources to help our minds grow in Christ, and providing various pathways to a life of service.
Yet few institutions educate or guide us through the later Stages 4-6. Very few understand and embrace the Wall. In fact, in some places, if we confess our doubts and dissensions, we may find ourselves without an institution.
This lack of education about, guidance into, and support through the later stages of our formation strongly contributes to The Great Omission. Modern Christianity may be producing converts (even educated converts), but not necessarily people of extraordinary spiritual depth.
That depth normally comes through some confusion, pain, suffering, doubting, and extended times of wrestling. And if we don’t have access to communities that embrace and welcome such times, we may find ourselves stunted in our journey, confused in our inner life, and battling a strong sense of nagging loneliness.
Many good Christian institutions recognize this need for certain groups, generally people facing debilitating addictions to drugs, alcohol, pornography, etc. And so they host or facilitate groups such as Celebrate Recovery.
But for those of us whose addictions are quieter, socially acceptable, or hidden because we’ve become so adept at functioning with them (i.e., the chronic worrier who has learned to mask her frantic thought life), where do we turn?
Perhaps this is why Dallas Willard once commented that genuine discipleship for everyone should look a whole lot like AA.
We’ll be digging more into the Wall in the coming weeks. Thanks for coming along on this journey with me!
Duc In Altum
Brian Fisher
